What I learned about loyalty, insecurity, and leadership long before I had the language for it
Some workplaces stay with you long after you’ve left them.
For me, one of those places was the Palmer House Hilton.
A harder truth I had to revisit
It was a formative chapter in my life. A place where I learned how power actually moves. How leadership shows up under pressure. How people behave when growth, recognition, and fear collide.
It was a springboard for who I would eventually become.
It was also where I learned to become the leader I once needed.
At first, the relationships were easy. Collaborative. Supportive. We were building together, learning together, and navigating the work side by side.
And then something shifted.
I began to thrive, especially toward the end of my time there. And I’ve learned that growth has a way of revealing truths that comfort can conceal.
A colleague I once considered a friend, someone who should have been an ally, quietly became an adversary.
Not openly.
Not honestly.
But strategically.
Polite on the surface. Competitive underneath.
At the time, I didn’t fully understand what was happening. I just felt the tension. The subtle undermining. The silence in rooms I wasn’t in. The way my name was spoken differently when I wasn’t there to speak for myself.
Now, years later, I understand it more clearly.
This wasn’t about friendship gone wrong.
It was about insecurity meeting hierarchy.
And that combination fractures workplaces every day.
When I was younger, I carried a belief I didn’t know how to name.
I used to think that every time I worked for a woman, I would suffer.
That was the story young Jewel told herself.
Not because women can’t lead, I am a woman leader. I believe deeply in women leading with power, wisdom, and integrity.
But because many of the women I worked for were navigating systems that made leadership feel like survival. Like proof. Like scarcity.
And in those environments, support can feel risky. Collaboration can feel threatening. And instead of allies, adversaries are unconsciously created.
I didn’t have that language then. I only had the experience.
What I understand now is this:
When systems reward competition over connection, people turn sideways instead of standing together.
What adversarial behavior looks like at work:
Adversaries rarely announce themselves.
They undermine quietly.
They withhold credit.
They participate in gossip disguised as concern.
They align upward while eroding trust sideways.
They stay silent when your name comes up, or worse, pile on.
And when this happens, teams feel it.
Morale drops.
People take sides.
Psychological safety disappears.
This happens everywhere. Hotels. Medical offices. Universities. Creative spaces. Corporate teams. Nonprofits.
Anywhere humans work together.
What allies actually do:
Allies collaborate without keeping score.
They speak your name with integrity in rooms you are not in.
They share credit generously.
They address issues directly.
They protect the team by refusing to participate in gossip.
An ally doesn’t need to be your friend.
They need to be trustworthy.
The question that matters now
Most people don’t see themselves as adversaries.
But behavior always tells the truth before intention does.
If someone else’s growth makes you uneasy
If validation matters more than integrity
If you compete where collaboration would serve
It’s worth asking why.
Not with shame. With honesty.
As we move forward, personally and professionally, clarity matters.
Are you an ally or an adversary?
And who are you choosing to become next?
Quackenbush Coaching LLC 