By Jewel Quackenbush, MCC
“If you haven’t spoken with the person, you’ve only heard one version of the story, your own.”
— Jewel Quackenbush
There is one phrase that absolutely grinds my gears.
“I just talked to her.”
My response is almost always the same.
“You actually talked to her? You picked up the phone? You heard her voice? She heard yours?”
More often than not, the answer is,
“No…I texted her.”
Call it a Gen X thing if you want.
But when someone tells me they “talked” to another person, I naturally assume there was an actual conversation. I picture two human beings hearing one another’s voices. I picture questions being asked, pauses being honored, clarification being offered, and understanding beginning to take shape.
Instead, what I often discover is that they exchanged a few text messages.
Somewhere along the way we’ve started using the words texted, messaged, and talked as though they’re interchangeable.
They’re not.
Communication has never been easier.
I’m just not convinced we’ve become better communicators.
A text message is communication.
A conversation is connection.
Those are not the same thing.
Please don’t misunderstand me.
I use technology every day.
Text messages are wonderful for logistics.
“I’m running five minutes late.”
“Can you send me that report?”
“See you at 2:00.”
Perfect.
But if we’re talking about repairing trust…
Clarifying intentions…
Navigating disappointment…
Giving meaningful feedback…
Resolving conflict…
Strengthening relationships…
Please don’t send me an emoji.
Better yet…
Don’t hide behind your keyboard.
Call me.
Even better…
Let’s sit down together.
Because despite the thousands of emojis available today, they cannot reliably communicate tone, intent, humility, compassion, vulnerability, curiosity, or the look on someone’s face when they realize they’ve unintentionally hurt another human being.
Emojis may add personality to a message.
They cannot replace the richness of a conversation.
Technology should support relationships.
It should never replace them.
Communication transfers information.
Connection builds understanding.
Leadership requires both.
The Story We Tell Ourselves
As an executive coach, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched a relatively small misunderstanding become a significant workplace conflict because two people never actually had a conversation.
Instead…
They emailed.
They texted.
They exchanged Teams messages.
They vented to coworkers.
They replayed the situation in their minds.
They interpreted silence.
They assumed intent.
Then they escalated the situation to Human Resources, senior leadership, or someone else’s manager before ever giving the other person an opportunity to explain.
Conflict is inevitable.
Avoidance is optional.
Many workplace conflicts aren’t created by bad people.
They’re created by conversations that never happened.
One of the greatest acts of professional respect is giving another person the opportunity to hear your concern before someone else hears your complaint.
Think about that for a moment.
If someone has unintentionally offended you, frustrated you, or disappointed you, wouldn’t you want the opportunity to hear it directly before it became someone else’s version of the story?
Respect works both ways.
Your Brain Loves a Complete Story
One of the things I teach my coaching clients is that our brains are remarkable prediction machines.
They’re designed to protect us.
They’re constantly scanning our environment, searching for patterns, looking for meaning, and trying to determine whether we’re safe.
When information is missing, the brain naturally fills in the blanks.
That’s not a flaw.
It’s how we’re wired.
Imagine receiving a one-line email from your manager.
“Can you stop by my office when you have a minute?”
Within seconds your mind begins creating a story.
“Am I in trouble?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Are they upset with me?”
Maybe.
Or maybe they simply want your opinion on an upcoming project.
The problem isn’t that your brain creates stories.
The problem is when we begin treating those stories as facts.
Neuroscience tells us that when we perceive uncertainty, the brain’s emotional centers can activate before our more reflective thinking has had an opportunity to evaluate what’s actually happening.
Our amygdala is constantly asking one question:
“Am I safe?”
When the answer feels uncertain, our nervous system often prepares for danger before we’ve gathered enough information to determine whether danger actually exists.
That’s why we sometimes react to an imagined threat as though it were a confirmed reality.
As leaders…
As colleagues…
As spouses…
As parents…
As neighbors…
We have to learn the discipline of pausing long enough for our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, judgment, planning, and perspective, to catch up with our emotions.
One of my favorite coaching questions is this:
Am I responding to evidence…or am I responding to a prediction my brain has created?
That one question has the power to interrupt countless misunderstandings.
This Didn’t Start at Work
Here’s something I’ve noticed after years of coaching leaders.
Most workplace communication habits didn’t begin in the workplace.
They began long before we ever received our first business card.
If we avoid difficult conversations with our manager, there’s a good chance we avoid difficult conversations with our spouse.
If we assume the worst about a coworker, we may also assume the worst about a sibling.
If we vent to another department instead of speaking directly with the person involved, we may also call a friend to complain about a family member instead of having the conversation ourselves.
Work doesn’t create these patterns.
It reveals them.
Many of us grew up in homes where conflict was avoided.
Some of us learned that honesty led to arguments.
Others learned that silence felt safer than vulnerability.
Some watched adults speak about one another rather than with one another.
Those lessons quietly become emotional habits.
Then we carry them into adulthood.
Into marriages.
Into friendships.
Into neighborhoods.
Into boardrooms.
Those habits don’t disappear when we receive a promotion.
They simply get a business card.
That’s why leadership development is never just about leadership.
It’s about becoming more aware of the habits we’ve practiced for years without realizing they were shaping every relationship we have.
Before You Escalate… Have the Conversation
One of the greatest acts of professional respect is having a direct conversation with the person before escalating the issue.
Let me be equally clear.
There are exceptions.
If your physical safety is at risk…
If harassment, discrimination, retaliation, threats, or serious misconduct are involved…
Follow your organization’s reporting procedures immediately.
Those situations require immediate attention and should never be minimized.
But in the overwhelming majority of everyday misunderstandings…
Have the conversation first.
Face-to-face whenever possible.
If that isn’t practical, pick up the phone.
Hear each other’s voices.
Ask questions.
Listen to understand before listening to respond.
Become curious.
Give another human being the opportunity to tell their side of the story.
Too often we rob people of that opportunity because we’ve already decided what they’re going to say.
Think about that.
How many times have we convinced ourselves that someone would become defensive, angry, dismissive, or argumentative without ever giving them the opportunity to respond?
Sometimes we’re not protecting ourselves from another person’s behavior.
Sometimes we’re protecting ourselves from a story our brain has already written.
Don’t deny someone the opportunity to surprise you.
You may discover they apologize.
You may discover they genuinely didn’t know.
You may discover there was a misunderstanding.
You may discover you misunderstood.
You’ll never know if you never ask.
One of my biggest frustrations as an Operations Director was having someone walk into my office to complain about their supervisor.
I’d ask one simple question.
“Have you spoken with them?”
More often than not, the answer was no.
Not because the supervisor was necessarily unreasonable.
Not because the employee had already tried.
Simply because they assumed the conversation wouldn’t go well.
I understand that fear.
Hard conversations aren’t easy.
They’re uncomfortable.
They’re emotional.
They’re vulnerable.
But leadership, at every level, requires courage.
Sometimes the most respectful thing we can do is simply begin the conversation.
Compliance or Cooperation?
One of the questions I believe every leader should ask themselves is this:
What kind of culture am I creating?
One built on compliance…
Or one built on cooperation?
Compliance says,
“Do it because I told you to.”
Cooperation says,
“Let’s understand why this matters.”
One relies primarily on authority.
The other relies on trust.
One may produce short-term obedience.
The other creates long-term commitment.
Employees who feel psychologically safe don’t simply complete assignments.
They contribute ideas.
They challenge assumptions respectfully.
They admit mistakes sooner.
They raise concerns before small problems become expensive ones.
They innovate.
They collaborate.
They become invested in the mission because they understand it.
The healthiest organizations I’ve ever worked with weren’t built on fear.
They were built on trust.
The strongest leaders weren’t the loudest people in the room.
They were the people others trusted enough to tell the truth.
When people feel emotionally safe, they don’t hide problems.
They solve them.
The Most Dangerous Word in Relationships
There is one word I listen for during coaching conversations.
It’s the word…
Should.
“They should know I’m upset.”
“They should have known what I meant.”
“They should have called.”
“They should have apologized.”
“They should have realized…”
The word “should” quietly replaces communication with expectation.
The truth is…
People cannot respond to expectations they’ve never been given.
They cannot apologize for hurts they don’t know they’ve caused.
They cannot meet needs that have never been expressed.
Whether at work or at home, many relationships suffer because one person assumes the other should simply know.
But people are not mind readers.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on assumptions.
They’re built on conversations.
I’ve watched siblings go years without speaking over misunderstandings that could have been resolved with one honest conversation.
I’ve watched neighbors stop waving because each assumed the worst about the other.
I’ve watched marriages suffer because difficult conversations were postponed until resentment became easier than vulnerability.
I’ve watched teams become divided because coworkers chose allies instead of honesty.
The workplace simply magnifies habits we often learned much earlier in life.
When we avoid conversations at home, we’ll likely avoid them at work.
When we gossip instead of communicate, that habit usually follows us into every relationship we have.
That’s why communication is not merely a professional skill.
It’s a life skill.
Trust Is Leadership’s Greatest Currency
Trust isn’t built through speeches.
It’s built through consistency.
One promise kept.
One difficult conversation handled with dignity.
One moment where curiosity replaces certainty.
One moment where someone feels heard instead of judged.
Trust grows slowly.
It can disappear quickly.
And rebuilding it requires much more than an apology.
It requires evidence.
People don’t always leave organizations because of the work itself.
Research consistently shows that poor leadership, lack of trust, limited support, and unhealthy workplace relationships are among the most common reasons people choose to leave.
I’ve often said that people rarely walk away from meaningful work.
More often, they walk away from environments where they no longer feel respected, valued, or psychologically safe.
Leadership has very little to do with titles.
Leadership has everything to do with influence.
The most respected leader in the room isn’t always the person signing the paycheck.
Often it’s the person everyone trusts.
The Conversation Challenge
This week…
Think about one conversation you’ve been postponing.
Ask yourself…
Have I actually spoken with the person?
Am I responding to facts…
Or to the story I’ve created?
What assumptions might I be making?
What information might I be missing?
If this conversation is important enough to discuss with someone else…
Isn’t it important enough to discuss with the person involved?
And perhaps the most important question of all…
How would I hope someone approached me if our roles were reversed?
If it’s safe and appropriate…
Have the conversation.
Not over text.
Not over email.
Not through someone else.
Human to human.
Voice to voice.
Better yet…
Face to face.
You may not always agree.
You may not always receive the response you hoped for.
But you’ll know you honored another person’s dignity by giving them the opportunity to be heard.
Leadership isn’t demonstrated by how quickly we escalate problems.
It’s demonstrated by how courageously we pursue understanding.
“If you haven’t spoken with the person, you’ve only heard one version of the story, your own.”
— Jewel Quackenbush
About the Jewelisms
The opening and closing reflections featured in this article are original leadership principles developed through years of executive coaching, organizational leadership, lived experience, and thousands of conversations with remarkable people navigating real workplace and life challenges.
My family affectionately calls them Jewelisms because they have become part of how I teach, coach, and live.
My hope is simple.
That one of them stays with you long after you’ve finished reading.
If it encourages one courageous conversation…
One repaired relationship…
One healthier workplace…
Or one family to choose understanding over assumption…
Then it has done exactly what it was intended to do.
Warmly,
Jewel Quackenbush, MCC
Executive Leadership & Life Coach
“Helping leaders lead with greater awareness, alignment, and intention.”