By Jewel Quackenbush, MCC | Quackenbush Coaching
There’s a strange thing happening in today’s conversations. Psychological buzzwords like “narcissist” and “gaslighting” are being tossed around with little regard for what they actually mean. They’re showing up in arguments, captions, and TikTok diagnoses like confetti. But here’s the problem—when we misuse powerful language, we strip it of its meaning and weaponize it in ways that do more harm than good.
Let’s break it down and bring clarity back to the conversation.
What Is a Narcissist?
According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable condition characterized by:
A grandiose sense of self-importance A need for excessive admiration A lack of empathy A pattern of exploiting others for personal gain A belief that one is special, unique, or entitled
This is not a personality quirk or a one-off behavior. NPD is a persistent, deep-seated disorder diagnosed by a trained mental health professional.
Narcissistic Tendencies Are Not the Same as NPD
Here’s the truth: people can behave selfishly without having a personality disorder.
There’s a big difference between someone who:
Has narcissistic traits (like being self-focused, arrogant, or dismissive in a moment) versus Someone who consistently manipulates, dehumanizes, and lacks empathy in a sustained pattern across relationships
The first is a behavior. The second is a clinical diagnosis.
When we call someone a “narcissist” after one argument or a single hurtful moment, we’re not just wrong, we’re being careless. And we contribute to the growing trend of psychological name-calling that leaves real wounds.
What Does “Gaslighting” Actually Mean?
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband intentionally manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity by dimming the gas lights and then denying it.
True gaslighting is:
Intentional Repeated Meant to distort someone’s sense of reality
It might sound like:
“That never happened. You’re imagining things.” “You’re too sensitive. No one else sees it that way.” “Are you sure? You tend to make things up.”
Gaslighting is abuse.
But today, people use it to describe anything from being disagreed with to feeling misunderstood. And that’s not only inaccurate it’s dangerous.
Why This Matters
Words shape our perception. Misusing terms like “narcissist” or “gaslighting” can:
Undermine real survivors who’ve experienced psychological abuse Label people unfairly based on one moment Encourage black-and-white thinking, rather than curiosity and communication Create emotional distance where healing might be possible
We don’t want to be mislabeled and we shouldn’t mislabel others. Because words don’t just describe people, they follow them. If someone asks, “What do you think of her?” and the reply is, “She’s a narcissist,” that label gets into the room before she does. That’s not fair, and it’s certainly not ethical.
As professionals, leaders, and trusted voices in our communities, we must be careful. These words sensationalized by media and social platforms shouldn’t become part of our everyday vocabulary if we don’t fully understand their impact. Especially when we use them with our teams, our families, or our friends, or when we reach for them in moments of conflict.
Ask Yourself These Questions First
Before using either term, pause and ask:
Is this a pattern or just a bad day? Am I describing behavior, or diagnosing a person? What am I feeling right now and what do I actually need? Have I slowed down long enough to ask, “Is it true?” (Thank you, Byron Katie.)
A Coaching Challenge from Me to You
The next time you’re tempted to label someone, try this instead:
Name the behavior, not the person. Write it out. “They interrupted me while I was talking and dismissed my opinion.” Name your feeling. “I felt unheard, frustrated, and disrespected.” Ask what you need. “I need to feel acknowledged in conversations. I need space to speak.” Communicate instead of categorize. What would it look like to bring clarity instead of combat?
We don’t need to be psychologists to have powerful conversations but we do need to be responsible.
Let’s be stewards of our language. Let’s stop picking up buzzwords like trend pieces and start honoring the real stories, real people, and real pain behind them. Healing happens when we describe with honesty, not when we diagnose without understanding.
Because when we get the language right, we get the healing right too.
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