When we surround ourselves only with people who think like us, we shrink.
True leadership and personal growth require us to get uncomfortable, challenge our assumptions, and welcome difference.
Here’s how to know when you’re unconsciously shutting out the very thing that could elevate your next breakthrough.
The Discomfort of Difference
Let’s be honest with ourselves. How many times have we used these familiar phrases:
“I’m not vibing with her.” “They don’t really fit the culture.” “I’m not feeling him.” “They just don’t jive with how we do things.”
Sometimes we’re naming a boundary, a preference, or a true energetic mismatch.
But more often than we realize, we’re rehearsing avoidance.
These phrases become coded language for dismissing people who challenge us, make us uncomfortable, or think differently than we do.
It’s subtle. It’s often unintentional. And it can cost us more than we know.
When we start silencing difference, even unconsciously, we begin to shut down opportunities, creativity, and connection.
The Junior Associate With the Big Idea
There was a leader who needed a fresh campaign for an upcoming product launch. The room was filled with seasoned voices, but the most compelling idea came from the quietest person at the table, a junior associate who had recently been researching a new customer segment.
Her approach was bold, a little unorthodox, and completely rooted in data.
The leader glanced at the concept, shook his head, and moved on.
“Not aligned with our tone,” he said. “It doesn’t feel like us.”
A month later, a competitor launched a campaign nearly identical to the one the associate had pitched. It exploded online. Their product soared.
What happened?
It wasn’t strategy that failed. It wasn’t the idea.
It was the leader’s assumption.
It was his unconscious bias.
It was a quiet dismissal of difference, wrapped in the language of comfort.
The Workplace Is a Mirror
Let’s name what’s real: if we do this at work, we’re doing it at home too.
In our relationships.
In our circles.
In our communities.
Leadership doesn’t begin at the office door and end when we clock out.
It shows up in how we listen.
How we relate to discomfort.
How we respond when someone’s way of thinking stretches our own.
It shows up in who we invite into the room and who we quietly edge out.
Sometimes that difference comes from gender or race.
Sometimes it comes from age, energy, communication style, or cultural background.
Sometimes it’s simply someone’s worldview.
Difference Isn’t a Threat. It’s a Gift.
We’ve forgotten how to disagree without disconnecting.
We’ve mistaken different values for disrespect.
We’ve collapsed boundaries and biases into one shapeless thing and told ourselves it’s discernment.
But there is a difference between avoidance and clarity, between dismissal and discernment.
Boundaries are sacred.
Preferences are real.
But bias? Bias is the story we don’t know we’re telling ourselves. And often, it’s the very thing keeping us small.
This Is What Real Leadership Asks Of Us
It asks us to pause.
To notice what we’re avoiding.
To ask where our discomfort is coming from.
To lean in, even when we’re not sure how it’s going to land.
When we practice this, we start to hear the voices we’ve been filtering out.
We create space for questions that aren’t rehearsed.
We stretch beyond our personal lens.
We grow.
A Gentle (But Clear) Self-Audit
Not every difference is meant for your circle.
Not every discomfort is bias.
But when you consistently move away from difference, you need to ask yourself why.
Try reflecting on this:
Who do I avoid or tune out without realizing it? What assumptions am I making based on how someone talks, looks, or leads? Do I listen to learn, or to confirm what I already believe?
You don’t need to change your values.
But you may need to examine the way you value others.
Let your discomfort be a teacher, not a gatekeeper.
Words to Walk With:
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” — Albert Einstein
“Difference is not a deficit.” — Iyanla Vanzant
“You don’t have to agree with someone to hear them. And you don’t have to feel comfortable to be in integrity.” — Jewel Quackenbush
You may not realize you’re silencing people.
You may think you’re protecting your peace or your team.
But take a deeper look.
Are you building a team, or an echo chamber?
Are you in community, or in control?
If we only build with people who think like us, we’re not building, we’re repeating.
So pause. Reflect. And stretch a little.
Someone’s brilliance might sound unfamiliar. That doesn’t mean it isn’t right.
And it just might be the missing piece your leadership has been waiting for.
Visual Cue for Reflection:
Sometimes what we think we see is only part of the story.
At first glance, this image might look like one thing.
But if you pause, tilt your head, or shift your focus—you might notice something else entirely.
This is what unconscious bias looks like in practice.
A moment where we assume we know.
But if we’re willing to see differently, we might discover something beautiful we nearly missed.
#LeadershipReflection
#EmbraceDifference
#DiscernmentNotDismissal
#EmotionalIntelligence
#UnconsciousBias
#CoachingForGrowth
#ModernLeadership
#InclusiveLeadership
Quackenbush Coaching LLC 