Jewel Quackenbush, MCC
A reflection on habits, boundaries, and self trust
Every January, we make promises to ourselves.
Not quietly.
Not casually.
With conviction.
This is the year I change my habits.
This is the year I finally follow through.
This is the year I become who I said I would be.
And then, often just as quietly, we break those promises.
Not because we are lazy.
Not because we lack discipline.
But because many of the promises we make were never designed to survive real life.
James Clear reminds us that we do not rise to the level of our goals. We fall to the level of our systems. Habits shape identity far more than declarations ever will.
Here is the piece we often miss.
When expectations are reasonable, people usually keep them.
Most people don’t fail because they expect too little. They fail because they expect without context. Current lifestyle. Current workload. Current energy. Current season of life never gets invited into the conversation.
Hope gets loud. Reality gets left out of the room.
A familiar example
Every year, I hear some version of this:
“I’m changing my diet. No sugar. No carbs. No alcohol. And I’m working out five days a week.”
In the moment, it feels incredible. Clean. Motivating. Powerful.
But nothing else is considered.
A demanding job.
Caregiving responsibilities.
Sleep debt.
Stress.
Travel.
What has actually been sustainable before.
So the goal isn’t ambitious. It’s disconnected.
When the body can’t keep up, when life intervenes, when energy dips, the goal collapses. Not because the person failed, but because the expectation was never grounded.
And this is where the real damage begins.
The SHAME Cycle
(A Quackenbush Coaching Framework)
In my work as an executive and leadership coach, I see this same pattern over and over. Most people are not failing randomly. They are caught in a cycle they don’t yet have language for.
I call it The S.H.A.M.E. Cycle.
S – Set an unrealistic expectation
Motivation is high. Reality is not consulted.
H – Hit resistance or reality
Life happens. Energy fluctuates. The system proves unsustainable.
A-Assign blame inward
Instead of questioning the goal, the question becomes, “What’s wrong with me?”
M – Move into shame and self criticism
Trust erodes. Motivation drops. The inner dialogue hardens.
E – Either abandon the goal or overcorrect
People quit entirely or swing back to another extreme promise.
And the cycle restarts.
The tragedy is not the missed goal.
The tragedy is that shame convinces us we are the problem, instead of the expectation.
Why shame is such a poor teacher
Shame does not motivate lasting change.
It narrows thinking.
It dysregulates the nervous system.
It disconnects us from curiosity and compassion.
And once shame enters the picture, even reasonable habits start to feel heavy.
So the question becomes not, “How do I push harder?”
But, “How do I design better?”
The TRUST Cycle
To interrupt the SHAME Cycle, a different pattern is required. One rooted in awareness, realism, and self trust.
We call this The T.R.U.S.T. Cycle.
T – Tell the truth about your current reality
Energy, time, stress, capacity, season of life.
R – Right size the expectation
Make it small enough to keep, not impressive enough to abandon.
U – Understand the signal, not just the behavior
Notice urges, resistance, emotions. Where do they live in the body? What are they asking for?
S – Sustain consistency over intensity
Small, repeatable habits build identity and trust.
T – Trust grows through follow through
Each kept promise strengthens the relationship with yourself.
This is not about lowering the bar.
This is about placing it where humans can actually reach it.
Habits don’t only live in behavior
When we talk about habits, most people think of food, exercise, or productivity.
But some of the most important habits are emotional.
How we set boundaries.
How we ask for clarity.
How we speak up when something doesn’t sit right.
How quickly we abandon ourselves to keep the peace.
Every year, people say things like:
“This year, I’m going to be more direct.”
“I’m going to stop letting things slide.”
“I’m going to ask for clarity instead of guessing.”
These are not personality traits. They are practices.
And just like behavioral habits, emotional habits break down when expectations are disconnected from reality.
One of the most common patterns I see is this. Someone sets a boundary, often thoughtfully and clearly. When that boundary is crossed, instead of holding the line, they quietly move it.
Not because they are weak.
But because discomfort shows up.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of being seen as difficult.
Fear of losing connection.
So the promise becomes, “I’ll speak up next time.”
And when next time comes, the cycle repeats.
This is not a character flaw.
It is the SHAME Cycle wearing a different coat.
And the TRUST Cycle applies here too.
Tell the truth about what you actually have the capacity to enforce.
Right size the boundary so it can be held.
Understand the emotion that shows up when it’s tested.
Sustain consistency over intensity.
Let trust grow through follow through.
Boundaries, like habits, are not proven by intention.
They are proven by what we are willing to uphold.
A boundary you won’t hold is not a boundary.
It’s a hope.
A quiet wisdom worth remembering
I recently watched a video describing a Japanese approach to habit change. Instead of fighting habits or pushing them away, the invitation was to notice them.
Where does the urge live in your body?
What does it feel like?
When does it show up?
No forcing.
No shaming.
Just awareness.
This aligns beautifully with behavioral science and coaching practice. What we resist tends to persist. What we bring into awareness often softens.
Anger, numbing, scrolling, snapping, overworking. These are often signals before they are problems.
A different invitation for the new year
This year, I’m not inviting you to make resolutions.
I’m inviting you to make fewer promises, and keep them.
Promises that respect your real life.
Habits that fit your actual energy.
Expectations that build trust instead of eroding it.
Because real change does not come from force.
It comes from relationship.
And the most important relationship you will carry into this new year is the one you have with yourself.
Happy New Year.
Quackenbush Coaching LLC 