Quackenbush Coaching LLC

Retire TO Something: Designing Your Next Chapter with Purpose

For decades, retirement was framed as the finish line. Work hard, endure the grind, collect the pension, and finally rest.

But today, that model is obsolete.

People are living longer, healthier lives. Many retire with decades of vitality still ahead. Yet one of the greatest emotional risks during retirement is not financial uncertainty. It is loss of identity, structure, and belonging.

I often tell my clients:

You don’t retire FROM something.
You retire TO something.

Because when you leave a career, you are not only leaving a paycheck. You are leaving:

daily routines
trusted relationships
a sense of relevance
intellectual stimulation
a place where your contributions mattered

Without intentional planning, this sudden vacuum can lead to loneliness, depression, cognitive decline, and a loss of purpose.

Research from the National Institute on Aging and the Harvard Study of Adult Development confirms that social connection, purpose, and routine are among the strongest predictors of longevity and wellbeing.

Retirement is not the end of usefulness.
It is the beginning of reinvention.

And that reinvention should begin before your final day of work.

Why Retirement Can Feel So Disorienting

Even positive transitions create stress.

When people retire after 20, 30, or 40 years in the same field, they experience:

Identity disruption
Who am I if I’m not the director, the nurse, the teacher, the executive?

Loss of social structure
Work relationships often provide daily connection and belonging.

Routine collapse
Our brains thrive on rhythm and predictability.

Cognitive under stimulation
Mental engagement drops sharply without intentional activity.

Emotional vulnerability
Loneliness and depression rates increase when connection decreases.

Retirement without purpose is not rest.
It is disorientation.

The Myth of Permanent Vacation

Many people envision retirement as an extended season of rest.

I’ll travel.
I’ll go fishing.
I’ll finally relax.
I’ll do whatever I want.

And for a while, that freedom feels wonderful.

The first months often bring relief, joy, and long awaited rest. The nervous system exhales. The body slows. The calendar opens.

But eventually, the novelty fades.

Vacation is restorative.
It is not a life structure.

After the trips are taken and the projects are finished, many retirees quietly begin asking:

What do I do now?
Where do I belong?
Who needs me?

This is not failure.
It is the natural human need for meaning and engagement.

Rest Is a Season, Not a Destination

Recovery is healthy and necessary after decades of work. Give yourself permission to rest.

But thriving requires more than rest.

Studies on retirement adjustment show that individuals who maintain purposeful engagement experience:

better cognitive health
lower rates of depression
stronger physical wellbeing
greater life satisfaction

Purpose does not require a full time job.

It requires meaningful engagement.

Yes, It Is Okay to Work Again

One of the most liberating shifts retirees can embrace is this:

You are no longer working for survival.
You are working for meaning.

That might look like:

part time consulting
mentoring emerging professionals
starting a small passion business
community leadership
seasonal or flexible work
teaching, coaching, or volunteering

Some retirees return to work in new ways not because they must, but because they want to stay engaged, useful, and connected.

There is dignity in contribution.
There is vitality in usefulness.

Engagement Over Idleness

The goal is not busyness.

The goal is aliveness.

This may include:

a new hobby that challenges the brain
creative expression
learning something entirely new
caring for others
mentoring or teaching
building something that outlives you

Retirement is not about filling time.

It is about inhabiting life more fully.

The Quiet Nobody Warns You About
When the Calendar Goes Silent

Many retirees anticipate relief from deadlines, pressure, and workplace stress.

And that relief does come.

But what few anticipate is the quiet that follows.

For decades, work provides a central organizing force. It structures time, directs attention, stimulates the intellect, and offers a clear sense of relevance.

When that organizing force disappears, something surprising can emerge:

a new form of anxiety.

Not the stress of deadlines
but the disorientation of open space.

Without a structure around which to arrange daily life, even freedom can feel unmooring.

This is not a personal failing.
It is a human response to sudden unstructured time.

When Stress Disappears, Anxiety Can Appear

Workplace pressure can be exhausting, yet it also provides:

mental stimulation
variety and challenge
immediate feedback
daily purpose

When those disappear overnight, the nervous system and mind must recalibrate.

Many retirees describe feeling unexpectedly restless, unfocused, or unsettled.

The absence of stress does not automatically create peace.
Peace requires structure, meaning, and engagement.

Five Things to Do BEFORE You Retire

Purpose Comes First
Ask what energizes you, where you still feel useful, and who benefits from your wisdom.

Build Connection Early
Isolation rarely happens overnight. Begin cultivating relationships and community now.

Design Your Daily Rhythm
Freedom works best when supported by structure and predictable routines.

Keep Your Mind Engaged
Your experience is not obsolete. Continued learning and contribution sustain vitality.

Strengthen Your Body on Purpose
Movement supports longevity, energy, and independence.

The Countdown Clock

12 months out explore interests and build connections.
6 months out expand new roles and rhythms.
3 months out schedule social anchors and structure.
Final month celebrate the past and step forward intentionally.

Ritual matters. Closure matters. Transition deserves acknowledgment.

When You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone

Retirement is one of the most significant transitions a person will ever experience. It involves identity, purpose, relationships, routines, finances, and emotional adjustment.

Many people assume they should simply figure it out.

But clarity often comes faster through thoughtful conversation.

Working with a coach during this transition can help you:

clarify what you want this next chapter to look like
design routines that support wellbeing
navigate identity shifts with confidence
prevent isolation and loss of purpose
stay aligned with what matters most

You do not have to navigate this transition alone.

Sometimes the most powerful step forward is a conversation.

If you would like to explore what this next chapter could look like for you, you are welcome to schedule a time to talk:

https://calendly.com/quackenbushcoaching/30min

Retirement Is Not an Exit. It Is an Evolution.

We are living through an unprecedented demographic shift often called the Silver Tsunami.

But what matters most is not the scale of retirement.
It is the quality of the next chapter.

Some experience a vacuum.
Some experience continuity.
Most experience both.

The question is not:

What are you leaving behind?

The question is:

What are you stepping toward?

And perhaps the deeper question:

Who do you now have permission to become?

Ready to design your next chapter with intention?

https://quackenbushcoaching.com

Why You Keep Ending Up in the Same Place And What Has to Change If You Actually Want Different Results

There’s a sentence I hear often.

“I try so hard. It just seems like I can never get ahead.”

Sometimes it’s about money. Sometimes it’s relationships. Sometimes it’s jobs. Sometimes it’s housing, cars, friendships, or the same kind of boss in a different office.

Different scenery. Same outcome.

Albert Einstein is credited with saying:

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

Whether he said it verbatim or not, the principle stands. If the thinking stays the same, the results often do too.

And that’s the part we don’t like to examine.

The Pattern We Don’t Want to See

You leave a toxic relationship. You swear “never again.” You meet someone new. You ignore the same red flags. Six months later you’re shocked.

But are you?

You change partners. You didn’t change patterns.

You leave a job because the environment was chaotic. You accept another role without researching culture. You never clarify expectations. You avoid hard conversations again. You feel undervalued again.

New badge. Same dynamic.

You struggle financially. You say, “I just can’t get ahead.” But you don’t track spending. You finance another car you cannot comfortably afford. You buy on emotion instead of strategy. You avoid learning about budgeting or investing.

Different paycheck. Same stress.

You fall out with friends over boundaries. You never practice saying no. You keep over-giving. You feel resentful again.

New circle. Same exhaustion.

This is where we gently confront something uncomfortable.

Sometimes it isn’t bad luck. Sometimes it’s unexamined thinking.

A Reality Check, With Compassion

The phrase “definition of insanity,” doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results, is often misattributed to Einstein. But the principle is psychologically sound.

Behavioral research consistently shows that patterns repeat when underlying beliefs and cognitive habits remain unchanged. According to cognitive behavioral therapy research, unchallenged thought patterns directly influence recurring emotional and behavioral outcomes.

If your thinking doesn’t evolve, your circumstances rarely do.

That is not a condemnation. It is empowerment.

Because if thinking creates patterns, thinking can interrupt them.

Where This Shows Up

1. Relationships

Ignoring red flags because you fear being alone. Confusing intensity with compatibility. Repeating attachment patterns without understanding them.

Attachment theory research shows that early relational conditioning influences adult relationship behavior. If you do not understand your attachment style, you will unconsciously recreate familiar dynamics.

2. Jobs

Job hopping without skill upgrading. Avoiding feedback conversations. Not addressing performance gaps. Expecting new leadership to compensate for your unchanged habits.

Career growth requires internal shifts, not just external moves.

Here’s the harder, more honest layer.

I am a firm believer that most people don’t actually leave bad jobs. They leave bad managers. They leave poor leadership. They leave environments where they don’t feel seen, supported, or respected.

And sometimes, leaving is absolutely the right choice.

But here’s the question too few people ask before they go.

Have you looked inward?

Have you examined how you may be contributing to the dynamic you’re trying to escape?

Are you communicating clearly, or expecting mind-reading? Are you advocating for yourself, or silently resenting unmet expectations? Are you open to feedback, or immediately defensive? Are you showing up as a leader in your lane, or waiting for someone else to fix it?

Because if you leave one job, enter another, and find yourself saying the same things again, “Leadership doesn’t get it,” “They don’t value me,” “This place is toxic,” it may be time for a reality check on your expectations moment.

Not as self blame. As self-awareness.

New leadership does not automatically create a new experience if the internal patterns remain the same.

3. Financial Health

Financing lifestyle before building savings. Emotional spending. Avoiding financial literacy. Living in reaction instead of planning.

According to Federal Reserve data, nearly 37 percent of adults cannot cover a 400 dollar emergency expense without borrowing or selling something. Financial strain is common. But strategy changes outcomes.

4. Housing

Overextending rent or mortgage. Signing leases without understanding total cost. Avoiding hard conversations with landlords. Waiting until crisis mode to act.

5. Cars and Purchases

Buying based on status. Leasing beyond affordability. Rolling debt into new loans. Avoiding cost analysis.

6. Friendships

Tolerating disrespect. Over-functioning for others. Failing to communicate boundaries. Expecting reciprocity without clarity.

7. Family Dynamics

Avoiding long-standing conversations. Pretending elephants in the room do not exist. Expecting relatives to change without examining your own role. Replaying childhood roles in adult relationships.

Sometimes, family relationships are strained for years because there is a failure to communicate or a failure to address what everyone knows is there. When you were a child or a teenager, you had limited power. As an adult, the responsibility shifts.

If you keep saying you are sick of it, tired of it, done with it, but nothing changes, it is not all on the other person.

It is on you to interrupt that pattern.

Educating yourself about emotions, learning the language of feelings, naming what you are actually experiencing instead of reacting to it, that alone can transform generational dynamics. When you can label a feeling accurately, you reduce its power to control you.

Reality check your expectations. Change requires more than distance. It requires reflection.

The Shift, Interrupt the Pattern

You cannot outrun a mindset.

You must upgrade it.

That upgrade requires tools.

Pattern Audit

Write down the last three similar situations that went wrong. Ask what was the common denominator. What role did I play? What warning signs did I ignore? What belief was driving my decision?

Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy helps identify distorted thinking patterns. Attachment-based therapy helps address relational cycles.

Coaching

A coach does not fix you. A coach challenges your blind spots and helps you design new behaviors. Different coaches specialize in relationships, executive leadership, finances, and career transitions.

Financial Education

Take a budgeting course. Meet with a fiduciary financial planner. Track every dollar for 90 days.

Attachment Awareness

Work through an attachment theory workbook. When you understand your relational blueprint, you stop confusing familiarity with safety.

Mindset Reframe

You may take three steps forward and two steps back. That is still one step forward. Progress is not linear. But repetition without reflection is regression.

The Victim Narrative vs The Growth Narrative

Victim narrative, “This always happens to me.”

Growth narrative, “What am I repeating?”

One disempowers. One activates change.

If you truly want different results, you must think differently. You must act differently. You must tolerate discomfort differently.

Different inputs create different outcomes.

And sometimes, the breakthrough is not leaving the situation.

It is leaving the version of you that keeps recreating it.

If this resonated with you, reflect honestly.

Where are you repeating something?

And what would change if you interrupted it?

My Two Cents.

I am not a licensed therapist. I am a Master Certified Coach with lived experience and years of coaching individuals through patterns very similar to the ones described here. The tools referenced are tools I have personally used, studied, and recommended. Coaching is forward-focused and action-oriented. If you need clinical mental health support, a licensed therapist is the appropriate resource.

My work centers on awareness, accountability, and intentional change.

The Subtle Saboteur

“Why Am I Training My Boss?” and the Stories We Tell Ourselves

There’s a sentence I hear often in coaching conversations. It’s usually said quietly, sometimes with humor, sometimes with frustration.

“Why am I training my boss to do their job?”

On the surface, it sounds like a reasonable complaint. Underneath it, though, lives a story that can quietly undermine leadership, culture, and even our own credibility if we don’t examine it.

This is what I call the subtle saboteur.

Not a person.

A narrative.

Naming the irritation

Let’s be honest. Being asked to orient, onboard, or train someone who now sits above you can feel irritating. It can feel humbling. For some, it can even feel embarrassing.

Especially when:

You’ve been with the organization for years
You know the systems inside and out
Others may assume you “should” have the role

Those feelings are human. They deserve acknowledgment.

But what we do with them matters.

What you are actually being asked to do

When a new manager, supervisor, or executive comes in from the outside, they are not being hired for their ability to run your specific system on day one.

They are hired for an umbrella role.

Leadership includes:

Decision-making
Strategy
Accountability
Managing humans
Culture, morale, and trust
Legal, ethical, and operational oversight

What you are teaching them is one rib of that umbrella.

Context. Nuance. How this organization works.

You are not training them to do their job.

You are orienting them to yours.

That distinction matters.

When resentment replaces curiosity

In many of these situations, one of two things is true.

Either the person did not apply for the role,

or they did apply and were passed over.

Both experiences can sting.

But resentment keeps us stuck. Curiosity moves us forward.

If you didn’t apply, it’s worth asking why.

If you did and were passed over, it’s worth understanding what the organization needed that went beyond technical expertise.

That information is data, not a verdict on your worth.

The toxic ripple (where leadership shows up without a title)

This is the part that often goes unnamed.

When a tenured employee voices resentment about “training their boss,” they are not just expressing a feeling. They are setting a tone.

Some people around them recognize the influence and weight they carry.

Others don’t consciously name it, but they feel it.

Either way, culture is being shaped in real time.

Influence can be used to:

Steady a team
Humanize a transition
Create psychological safety

Or it can quietly sabotage it.

This is where the Golden Rule becomes a leadership practice, not a cliché.

If empathy replaced anger for a moment, the question would shift from:

“Why am I training them?”

To:

“If this were me walking into an unfamiliar system, how would I want to be received?”

Because first impressions ripple outward.

A leader can walk into a department already disliked, not because of who they are, but because resentment arrived before they did.

That is power.

And power deserves care.

Weaponizing influence, intentionally or not, rarely harms just the target. It damages trust, morale, and the very culture people say they want to protect.

Instead of:

“I’m training them to do their job.”

Try:

“I’m helping them understand how this organization works.”
“My knowledge is operational. Theirs is organizational.”
“This is influence, not subordination.”

Sometimes the work isn’t fixing the situation.

It’s fixing the story we’re telling ourselves about it.

That’s leadership maturity.

With or without the title.

#LeadershipDevelopment #ProfessionalGrowth #OrganizationalCulture #Influence #EmotionalIntelligence #WomenInLeadership

When Illness Becomes the Mirror, A Family Reflection

There are seasons in life that slow us down, whether we ask for it or not.

Here in the Midwest, a heavy snowstorm has wrapped the world in stillness. Roads quiet. Calendars loosen. Time stretches. And in that quiet, reflection finds its way in.

My mother is engaged in the fight of her life.

My mother is engaged in the fight of her life. And it dawned on me that this is not new for her. Born in rural Louisiana in the 1940s, she has been fighting her entire life. Fighting systems that were never designed to protect her. Fighting sexism. Fighting poverty. Fighting abuse. Fighting to be seen, to be safe, to be heard. Fighting for her children. Fighting for her partners. Fighting to survive in a world that required her strength long before it ever offered her softness. Since 1947, fighting has been her language, her posture, her way through. And now she is fighting again.

This realization has shifted something in me. It does not excuse moments when she says something sharp or cruel. In those moments, it becomes clear that she is fighting for control, for dignity, for herself, and whether she realizes it or not, she no longer has the capacity to cushion the impact. Seeing this helps me hold both truth and compassion at the same time.

Cancer is not just a diagnosis. It is a reckoning. It forces conversations we avoid, emotions we tuck away, and truths we would rather not name. It stirs thoughts about mortality, meaning, relationships, and the legacy we leave behind, both spoken and unspoken.

As I watch my mother navigate this battle, I find myself thinking about her children, all five of us, a small tribe shaped by the same woman, the same household, the same love, and the same wounds.

What strikes me most is this: we all inherited something from her.

Not everything, but something dominant.

One of us carries worry and crippling anxiety. That one is me.

Another carries what I gently call the collection gene, a deep need to hold onto things, not from excess, but from an old fear of not having enough. I see echoes of an era where scarcity shaped survival. I do not diagnose. I simply observe with compassion.

One sibling has mastered avoidance, the art of not seeing what hurts, as if closing one’s eyes could make reality soften.

Another sibling does what I call ‘loving distance,’ which is to remove themselves from anything that even hints at discomfort or emotional harm.

And then there is the youngest, the peacemaker, the one who just wants everyone to get along, who longs for harmony even when the cost is personal truth.

None of these traits is inherently bad. They were adaptive. They were protective. They made sense once.

But here is the harder truth: none of us uses them in ways that truly serve ourselves or one another anymore.

Illness has a way of pulling back the curtain.

When someone we love is sick, especially when the outcome is one we all quietly understand, patterns intensify. Fear sharpens. Tempers flare. Old coping mechanisms come roaring back. Even the person who is ill may show sides of themselves shaped by pain, grief, and loss of control.

This does not make anyone bad.

It makes us human.

But being human does not mean becoming an emotional landfill.

There is a difference between holding space and being used as a dumping ground. There is a difference between compassion and self-abandonment. Caregiving, whether direct or emotional, is exhausting. The logistics alone are overwhelming. Appointments. Decisions. Rearranging life. Holding everyone else’s emotions while managing your own.

We must make room for irritability. We must soften toward grief. We must allow people grace in moments when they are not at their best.

And still, boundaries matter.

Illness does not give anyone the right to unload unchecked anger, resentment, or fear onto a single person again and again. Love does not require martyrdom. Support does not mean silence. Compassion does not mean collapse.

What this season has taught me is clarity.

I know what I choose.

I know what I see.

I know what I can offer.

I am holding space for my siblings. I hold it with intention and care. Whether they step into it or not is their choice. My responsibility is not to convince, fix, or carry what is not mine.

If you are part of a family walking through illness, especially something as consuming as cancer, please hear this clearly.

You are not the only one going through this, but neither are you required to carry everyone.

And if you are the one living with the illness, please hear this too. You are not walking through this alone, even when it feels that way. Your entire family is navigating this with you, each in their own imperfect, human way. You still have a choice in how you spend your energy, your words, and your time. None of this asks you to perform strength or pretend gratitude. It simply invites awareness. The way you move through this season shapes the moments you share, and those moments matter, for you and for those who love you.

If it is possible to talk with one another, to get on the same page as siblings, it can be deeply grounding. Sometimes grief isolates us without our realizing it, each person assuming they are alone in their fear. Opening that door may surprise you. I know my sisters have been my rock, and standing together has brought tremendous comfort. And still, you know your terrain. If those conversations are not possible or not safe, do not beat yourself up. Discernment is not failure.

Talk to someone. Do not do this alone. There are support groups, caregiver circles, and foundations that offer free, compassionate spaces for those supporting someone through serious illness. Just as families affected by substance abuse use have their own support systems, caregivers and loved ones of cancer patients deserve the same care.

Your feelings matter.

Your exhaustion is real.

Your boundaries are valid.

Illness reveals what needs tending, in families, in relationships, and in ourselves. If you notice patterns tightening rather than loosening, reach out for help. Reflection is powerful, but healing happens in connection.

This season has made me more determined, not to control what I cannot, but to reclaim the small, vital agency that remains.

To love deeply.

To stay honest.

To hold space without disappearing.

And to remember, caregiving includes caring for yourself.

If this resonates, you are not alone. And if today all you can do is name what you see, that is already a beginning.

When Was the Last Time You Actually Tasted Your Food

When was the last time you actually tasted your food?

Not ate it.

Not inhaled it between meetings.

Not scrolled through your phone while chewing.

Tasted it.

The sauce.

The salt.

The time it took.

If you’ve ever made a meal from scratch, especially a sauce, you know this kind of tasting isn’t casual. It’s intentional. Tomatoes simmered slowly. Garlic softened just enough. Herbs added with care. If you grew those tomatoes yourself, the experience deepens. You’re not just consuming food. You’re witnessing effort, patience, and presence.

And yet, most days, we don’t do that anymore.

We eat transactionally.

We drink coffee transactionally.

We order transactionally.

Eyes down. Words rushed. Gratitude skipped.

We don’t look at the person taking our order. We don’t pause long enough to see them as a human being doing something for us. Food becomes fuel. People become functions. Moments become items on a checklist.

Our tongues were never meant only for volume.

Yes, our voices help us speak and be heard. The voice box creates sound. But the tongue plays a quiet, essential role in shaping words, forming sounds, and allowing language to be understood. It helps us articulate, soften, and clarify what we’re trying to say.

And it does something even more intimate.

It translates the world for us.

Sweet.

Salty.

Bitter.

Sour.

Umami, which is the savory, rich taste found in things like tomatoes, mushrooms, cheese, and slow cooked sauces.

Taste buds send signals to the brain that help release pleasure chemicals and activate memory. Taste is one of the fastest pathways we have to remembering where we’ve been and how we felt when we were there.

For many of us, that memory is simple and tender. Standing on a chair as a child, waiting to lick the spoon while someone baked. The anticipation. The sweetness. The feeling of being included in something loving and homemade. One taste can bring back decades in an instant.

And when food is bad, truly bad, it can do the opposite. It can sour a mood. Disrupt a day. Leave a residue that lingers longer than it should.

That’s how powerful tasting is.

Which makes it striking how casually we’ve treated it.

We rarely think about how we taste, or that we can taste at all. Until it’s gone.

During COVID, many people lost their sense of smell and taste, some temporarily, some for much longer. Imagine biting into a slice of pizza and knowing it should be delicious, but feeling nothing. Imagine a warm pound cake, fragrant with vanilla, moist and tender, and being unable to taste the love baked into it.

That loss reminds us that tasting is a gift.

And when we rush past it, we don’t just miss flavor.

We miss connection.

We miss gratitude.

We miss ourselves.

This habit doesn’t stay at the table.

It quietly spills into the workplace.

When we bark orders instead of making requests.

When “please” and “thank you” disappear.

When we forget to acknowledge the person behind the task.

Yes, the work still gets done.

But it rarely gets done with care.

People don’t give their best work to environments where they feel unseen. Just like a meal eaten without tasting, something essential is lost.

There’s a quote often attributed to Maya Angelou that fits here: people may not remember exactly what you said or did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

That’s true at the table.

And it’s true in leadership.

So here’s the invitation.

Before your next meal, pause. Taste it. Really taste it.

If someone prepared it for you, thank them out loud.

Look up. Make eye contact. Slow down just enough to notice.

And then ask yourself:

Where else in my life have I stopped tasting?

Where have I turned people into transactions?

Because presence isn’t about long prayers or perfect mindfulness practices.

Sometimes, it starts with pasta.

#LeadershipPresence #HumanCenteredLeadership #MindfulLiving #Gratitude #EmotionalIntelligence

Ally or Adversary: What Workplace Dynamics Reveal About Us

What I learned about loyalty, insecurity, and leadership long before I had the language for it

Some workplaces stay with you long after you’ve left them.

For me, one of those places was the Palmer House Hilton.

A harder truth I had to revisit

It was a formative chapter in my life. A place where I learned how power actually moves. How leadership shows up under pressure. How people behave when growth, recognition, and fear collide.

It was a springboard for who I would eventually become.

It was also where I learned to become the leader I once needed.

At first, the relationships were easy. Collaborative. Supportive. We were building together, learning together, and navigating the work side by side.

And then something shifted.

I began to thrive, especially toward the end of my time there. And I’ve learned that growth has a way of revealing truths that comfort can conceal.

A colleague I once considered a friend, someone who should have been an ally, quietly became an adversary.

Not openly.

Not honestly.

But strategically.

Polite on the surface. Competitive underneath.

At the time, I didn’t fully understand what was happening. I just felt the tension. The subtle undermining. The silence in rooms I wasn’t in. The way my name was spoken differently when I wasn’t there to speak for myself.

Now, years later, I understand it more clearly.

This wasn’t about friendship gone wrong.

It was about insecurity meeting hierarchy.

And that combination fractures workplaces every day.

When I was younger, I carried a belief I didn’t know how to name.

I used to think that every time I worked for a woman, I would suffer.

That was the story young Jewel told herself.

Not because women can’t lead, I am a woman leader. I believe deeply in women leading with power, wisdom, and integrity.

But because many of the women I worked for were navigating systems that made leadership feel like survival. Like proof. Like scarcity.

And in those environments, support can feel risky. Collaboration can feel threatening. And instead of allies, adversaries are unconsciously created.

I didn’t have that language then. I only had the experience.

What I understand now is this:

When systems reward competition over connection, people turn sideways instead of standing together.

What adversarial behavior looks like at work:

Adversaries rarely announce themselves.

They undermine quietly.

They withhold credit.

They participate in gossip disguised as concern.

They align upward while eroding trust sideways.

They stay silent when your name comes up, or worse, pile on.

And when this happens, teams feel it.

Morale drops.

People take sides.

Psychological safety disappears.

This happens everywhere. Hotels. Medical offices. Universities. Creative spaces. Corporate teams. Nonprofits.

Anywhere humans work together.

What allies actually do:

Allies collaborate without keeping score.

They speak your name with integrity in rooms you are not in.

They share credit generously.

They address issues directly.

They protect the team by refusing to participate in gossip.

An ally doesn’t need to be your friend.

They need to be trustworthy.

The question that matters now

Most people don’t see themselves as adversaries.

But behavior always tells the truth before intention does.

If someone else’s growth makes you uneasy

If validation matters more than integrity

If you compete where collaboration would serve

It’s worth asking why.

Not with shame. With honesty.

As we move forward, personally and professionally, clarity matters.

Are you an ally or an adversary?

And who are you choosing to become next?

The Promises We Keep, and the Cycles We Break

Jewel Quackenbush, MCC

A reflection on habits, boundaries, and self trust

Every January, we make promises to ourselves.

Not quietly.

Not casually.

With conviction.

This is the year I change my habits.

This is the year I finally follow through.

This is the year I become who I said I would be.

And then, often just as quietly, we break those promises.

Not because we are lazy.

Not because we lack discipline.

But because many of the promises we make were never designed to survive real life.

James Clear reminds us that we do not rise to the level of our goals. We fall to the level of our systems. Habits shape identity far more than declarations ever will.

Here is the piece we often miss.

When expectations are reasonable, people usually keep them.

Most people don’t fail because they expect too little. They fail because they expect without context. Current lifestyle. Current workload. Current energy. Current season of life never gets invited into the conversation.

Hope gets loud. Reality gets left out of the room.

A familiar example

Every year, I hear some version of this:

“I’m changing my diet. No sugar. No carbs. No alcohol. And I’m working out five days a week.”

In the moment, it feels incredible. Clean. Motivating. Powerful.

But nothing else is considered.

A demanding job.

Caregiving responsibilities.

Sleep debt.

Stress.

Travel.

What has actually been sustainable before.

So the goal isn’t ambitious. It’s disconnected.

When the body can’t keep up, when life intervenes, when energy dips, the goal collapses. Not because the person failed, but because the expectation was never grounded.

And this is where the real damage begins.

The SHAME Cycle

(A Quackenbush Coaching Framework)

In my work as an executive and leadership coach, I see this same pattern over and over. Most people are not failing randomly. They are caught in a cycle they don’t yet have language for.

I call it The S.H.A.M.E. Cycle.

S – Set an unrealistic expectation

Motivation is high. Reality is not consulted.

H – Hit resistance or reality

Life happens. Energy fluctuates. The system proves unsustainable.

A-Assign blame inward

Instead of questioning the goal, the question becomes, “What’s wrong with me?”

M – Move into shame and self criticism

Trust erodes. Motivation drops. The inner dialogue hardens.

E – Either abandon the goal or overcorrect

People quit entirely or swing back to another extreme promise.

And the cycle restarts.

The tragedy is not the missed goal.

The tragedy is that shame convinces us we are the problem, instead of the expectation.

Why shame is such a poor teacher

Shame does not motivate lasting change.

It narrows thinking.

It dysregulates the nervous system.

It disconnects us from curiosity and compassion.

And once shame enters the picture, even reasonable habits start to feel heavy.

So the question becomes not, “How do I push harder?”

But, “How do I design better?”

The TRUST Cycle

To interrupt the SHAME Cycle, a different pattern is required. One rooted in awareness, realism, and self trust.

We call this The T.R.U.S.T. Cycle.

T – Tell the truth about your current reality

Energy, time, stress, capacity, season of life.

R – Right size the expectation

Make it small enough to keep, not impressive enough to abandon.

U – Understand the signal, not just the behavior

Notice urges, resistance, emotions. Where do they live in the body? What are they asking for?

S – Sustain consistency over intensity

Small, repeatable habits build identity and trust.

T – Trust grows through follow through

Each kept promise strengthens the relationship with yourself.

This is not about lowering the bar.

This is about placing it where humans can actually reach it.

Habits don’t only live in behavior

When we talk about habits, most people think of food, exercise, or productivity.

But some of the most important habits are emotional.

How we set boundaries.

How we ask for clarity.

How we speak up when something doesn’t sit right.

How quickly we abandon ourselves to keep the peace.

Every year, people say things like:

“This year, I’m going to be more direct.”

“I’m going to stop letting things slide.”

“I’m going to ask for clarity instead of guessing.”

These are not personality traits. They are practices.

And just like behavioral habits, emotional habits break down when expectations are disconnected from reality.

One of the most common patterns I see is this. Someone sets a boundary, often thoughtfully and clearly. When that boundary is crossed, instead of holding the line, they quietly move it.

Not because they are weak.

But because discomfort shows up.

Fear of conflict.

Fear of being seen as difficult.

Fear of losing connection.

So the promise becomes, “I’ll speak up next time.”

And when next time comes, the cycle repeats.

This is not a character flaw.

It is the SHAME Cycle wearing a different coat.

And the TRUST Cycle applies here too.

Tell the truth about what you actually have the capacity to enforce.

Right size the boundary so it can be held.

Understand the emotion that shows up when it’s tested.

Sustain consistency over intensity.

Let trust grow through follow through.

Boundaries, like habits, are not proven by intention.

They are proven by what we are willing to uphold.

A boundary you won’t hold is not a boundary.

It’s a hope.

A quiet wisdom worth remembering

I recently watched a video describing a Japanese approach to habit change. Instead of fighting habits or pushing them away, the invitation was to notice them.

Where does the urge live in your body?

What does it feel like?

When does it show up?

No forcing.

No shaming.

Just awareness.

This aligns beautifully with behavioral science and coaching practice. What we resist tends to persist. What we bring into awareness often softens.

Anger, numbing, scrolling, snapping, overworking. These are often signals before they are problems.

A different invitation for the new year

This year, I’m not inviting you to make resolutions.

I’m inviting you to make fewer promises, and keep them.

Promises that respect your real life.

Habits that fit your actual energy.

Expectations that build trust instead of eroding it.

Because real change does not come from force.

It comes from relationship.

And the most important relationship you will carry into this new year is the one you have with yourself.

Happy New Year.

Comfort and Joy

(When Comfort Is a Nut Roll, and That’s Perfectly Okay)

Every year around the holidays, Greg and Shannon, “My brothers from another mother,” give us a nut roll.

It has become a tradition. Five years running now. Same gift. Same quiet delight. We have moved to a different state, and they MAKE sure I get it! There is an unspoken understanding that this is not just food. This is care. This is attention. This is love wrapped in wax paper and flaky dough.

In a world where comfort sometimes feels like a scarce commodity, it is okay to hold tight to the little things that bring us warmth. For me, that thing is this nut roll. A treat so special that I have become humorously protective of it. And yes, it is absolutely mine. They even send a smaller one for my husband so he does not feel left out. This detail matters. It tells you everything you need to know about love, foresight, and boundaries done right.

Let me be clear. This nut roll is not to be rushed. It is not to be sliced recklessly. It is not to be offered casually to unexpected visitors. This is sacred pastry territory.

The dough is flaky, tender, and forgiving. Not dry. Not heavy. Just right. The filling is rich and nutty with the perfect balance of sweetness and crunch. Every bite delivers comfort without overwhelm. There is no need to add anything. No glaze. No drizzle. No improvement required. It is complete exactly as it is.

You can smell it before you taste it. That warm, toasted nuttiness that fills the kitchen and slows you down without asking permission. The first bite is quiet. You feel it before you think about it, the soft give of the dough, the way the filling holds together just long enough, the way it lingers. It asks you to stay present. To chew. To notice.

And isn’t life like that sometimes?

When we allow ourselves to slow down, to savor what is in front of us, we realize it does not need fixing, rushing, or explaining. It simply needs our attention.

There are very few things I find comfort in these days, and that makes it even more important to honor the ones that still reach me. This nut roll reminds me that I am loved. That a simple bite can feel like a hug from people who care. That a small, intentional ritual can refill my tank when everything else feels loud or heavy.

And that, right there, is the lesson.

We live in a season that tells us more is better. More giving. More doing. More hosting. More explaining. More tolerant. We stretch ourselves thin in the name of holiday spirit and forget that joy is not supposed to be exhausting.

Some things are not meant to be shared with everyone. Some things are meant to be enjoyed slowly, intentionally, with gratitude. That does not make you selfish. It makes you wise.

So here is the invitation. Find your version of the nut roll. Maybe it is a favorite book, a quiet bath, a handful of chocolates, or a steaming cup of coffee. Let it be something you do not have to share if you do not want to. Let it be a gentle, slightly humorous reminder that a little selfish comfort can be a radical act of self-care.

And because this would not be Quackenbush Coaching without something practical, take a moment today to identify one comfort ritual you can claim as your own. Protect it. Laugh about it. Let it be your hug on a plate.

Comfort and joy are not loud. They do not demand performance. They show up softly, consistently, year after year, and ask only that you receive them.

So this season, I am guarding my nut roll.

And my peace.

And my energy.

With love.

With intention.

With zero apologies.

#HolidaySeason

#EndOfYearReflection

Soul Chemistry

By Jewel Quackenbush MCC

There are people in our lives who do more than accompany us. They regulate us. We breathe differently around them. Our nervous system settles in their presence the way a dog relaxes when the favorite person walks into the room.

I recently came across a short clip with two animated dogs having a surprisingly wise conversation. They were not talking about snacks or tennis balls. They were talking about soul chemistry. The idea that animals, especially dogs, choose their person not because of treats or toys, but because of something much deeper.

When we meet people, our brains, like canine brains, scan for signals of safety. Tone of voice. Body language. Scent. Energy. Micro expressions. The amygdala, our emotional processor, lights up when it senses calm. When someone truly puts our nervous system at ease, a bond forms that is biological in nature.

Heartbeats begin syncing. Breathing patterns align. Stress lowers. Emotional guardrails soften.

It is not clinginess. It is regulation.

And this does not just happen between dogs and humans.

It happens between humans and humans.

Think of the person:

• you would call in the middle of the night

• whose presence drops your blood pressure

• who you do not have to perform for

• whose voice you can recognize in a crowded room

• who makes your body exhale before your mind even catches up

That is soul chemistry.

The Other Side: When Someone Sets Your Nervous System on Fire

Just as there are people who calm us, there are people who ignite anxiety in our bones.

You walk into a room and your stomach tightens.

Your breath shortens.

Your shoulder blades lift.

Your amygdala begins scanning for threat instead of comfort.

This can look like:

• a dismissive manager

• a coworker who is unpredictable

• a partner who is explosive or belittling

• a relative whose presence makes you brace instead of breathe

• a friend who drains you rather than fills you

Sometimes these people do not intend harm. Yet their impact is harm.

Prolonged exposure to emotional stress is measurable. There are medical studies showing that working under an overbearing or psychologically unsafe boss can increase health risks related to blood pressure and heart health. Now apply that same dynamic to:

• a toxic relationship

• a destabilizing household

• a love that feels like walking on glass

• a partnership that erodes the spirit instead of nourishing it

Imagine what that does to your circulatory system.

To your endocrine system.

To your brain’s patterning and wiring.

And imagine the children who grow up absorbing this.

Children whose nervous systems are shaped around emotional volatility.

They do not just remember those experiences.

They become shaped by them.

As a lifelong advocate for emotional self care, I want to say this with love and clarity:

Self care is not candles or spa days or vacations.

Self care is protecting your nervous system.

Self care is noticing whose presence lifts you and whose presence compresses you.

Self care is granting yourself permission to unsubscribe from emotional toxins.

You do not owe anyone access to your peace.

Not if they consistently destabilize it.

The Courage to Choose Safe Souls

If you have someone who calms your spirit, cherish them.

And if you do not, make it a mission to find at least one person in your life you feel safe with. It may be a coach, a therapist, a spiritual guide, a longtime friend, a sibling, a partner, or someone who honors your humanity instead of demanding performance.

Soul chemistry is not sentimental. It is foundational to emotional health and well being.

When someone’s presence brings you peace, your entire body recognizes,

I am safe now.

That is not luck.

That is love meeting neuroscience.

And it is the kind of bond that makes the soul exhale.

Meet Zeus. He is part of my Soul Chemistry.

Rewriting the Finish Line: Entering 2026 With Clarity, Compassion, and Alignment

Every year asks something new of us.
Not louder effort, not tighter pressure, but honest reflection. The kind that invites us to examine who we have become, not just what we have accomplished.

We enter January with big goals, bold lists, and fresh ambition. And somewhere between spring and fall, real life steps in, unexpected, demanding, and deeply human. By the end of the year, many people carry a quiet sense of guilt about the goals they didn’t finish or the intentions that didn’t unfold as they had imagined.

But here is a liberating truth.

Not every goal is meant to be completed. Some were never goals at all.
Some were experiments.
Some were signals.
Some were hopes from an earlier version of you.
Some were simply too heavy, too layered, or too premature for the season you were in.

This is not failure. This is self-awareness.

Let’s shift the question from
“Why didn’t I finish this?”
to
“What was this goal trying to teach me?”

Because when you look closer, every goal completed or not, leaves you with something valuable.

When Humility Becomes a Teacher

One of the most powerful insights I gained this year came from studying the reflections of Jesse Livermore, a legendary early twentieth-century market operator who spent his life learning the hard lessons of discipline and timing. His words were about trading, but the truth underneath them is about life.

He reminded me that confidence doesn’t protect you, and intelligence doesn’t guarantee perfect outcomes.
Sometimes we begin a goal, certain we know what it requires, only to discover we have more learning to do.

Humility isn’t a setback.
It’s a reset.

It helps you see your goals without illusion, without pressure, and without the weight of “I should be further by now.”

The Discipline of Waiting

Most of us love beginnings. We love momentum. But the real work often happens in the quiet middle of waiting, recalibrating, and listening.

Some goals are not incomplete.
They are simply not ripe yet.

Growth often requires pauses.
Not because you’re stuck, but because you’re strengthening.

This is where discipline begins:
Not in the rush, but in the restraint.

As you reflect on your year, ask yourself
Was I avoiding the goal, or was I preparing for it?
Was I procrastinating, or was I aligning?

Waiting is not wasted time when the waiting has purpose.

Alignment: Where Your Next Chapter Begins

There comes a moment, often quietly, when you stop forcing outcomes and start listening to your life.

This is alignment.
It’s the shift from pushing to partnering with your own truth.

You feel which goals still fit, which ones need reshaping, and which ones you can release without guilt. Your intuition gets sharper. Your decisions become simpler. Your next steps become clearer.

This is the stage where your goals line up with who you are becoming, not who you used to be.

And that is where the real transformation begins.

Questions to Carry Into 2026

As you enter the new year, consider these questions:

• Does this goal still belong to me?
• Does it reflect who I am now?
• Is it a true intention or an old obligation?
• Am I forcing this, or does it genuinely align?
• Do I want to carry this forward, reshape it, or release it?

Give yourself permission to choose differently.
Give yourself room to evolve.
Give yourself grace.

Because the finish line is not where success begins.
Success begins when you see yourself clearly,without shame, without pressure, and without comparison.

May 2026 be the year you move with intention, clarity, and compassion.
May every step you take honor your growth, not your guilt.
And may you enter the new year with alignment in your spirit and purpose in your stride.

If You’re Ready to Step Into 2026 with Support

If you would like guidance, clarity, or a partner in your growth next year, I would love to walk that journey with you. You can schedule a session, explore coaching possibilities, or gift coaching to someone you love here: Free Discovery Session With Jewel